A Big Decision

Where do I even begin?

I hardly ever use my blog...but, I figured..I have something to say so, why not just utilize this thing that no one reads and that way I can vent...plus I can avoid some big drama on Facebook or something...So here is my attempt to explain what is going on in my life right now because I know some people are going to want to know what's going on with me...

I have a big decision to make.

There are many reasons that have forced me to make the decision that I am about to make but, like I said, where do I begin?

First of all. What do you think makes an adult? At what point is that transition from a high school teenager or "young adult" to an adult made? Are they just forced to change? You graduate high school and you are just thrown out into the world?

"Here you are! It's the real world! Just jump through all their hoops and good luck! See ya!"

Well...This is how I felt....of course I know my parents are always there for me and I have other family and friends who support me but, you can't just rely on other people...you have to learn and experience things...I was ready to move out and be on my own. I was not that excited for school but, it has ALWAYS been in my line of thinking that you go to college after high school and study what you want to do in life, you get a degree, and then you get a job. The end, happily ever after, congratulations you've done it. This is not necessarily something my parents expected of me, it was just something I gathered from seeing people taking different paths that didn't really seem to work. This particular path just seemed like the one I was supposed to take to be successful and happy. Maybe it is....but, I think there is some awful roads on this path in my life right now. It is time to put out the orange cones and stick the detour sign out in the main route.

This is not something that people tell you. They say things get hard and that "The road gets a little bumpy" but, no one has ever told me that sometimes you need to take a different path to get what you want. Currently, I still want the same things in life in the end but, the way I thought I was going to get them is going to have to change.

Here is the thing...I have several issues right now.

1) I HATE my life. (In a dramatic sense)

• Why do I hate my life? Because I am miserable with my classes. They are extremely difficult for me. I was thrown into a schedule that I didn't have much say in. I could have changed it but, I didn't know...No one told me my options. My advisor just heard I was interested in the music program and all of a sudden I was on track for the four year degree to get my bachelors in violin performance. Looking back at that now....all I can think about is..."UHHHHH....Why on EARTH would I major in that?!" I love playing the violin more than anything but, that isn't practical..besides...here at Snow..that is classically based...ummm...hello! That is not me. Not really anyway...obviously I like classical music and still play it...but that isn't my main thing... It is like a pastry chef going to school to be a sous chef just because they like cooking..
• I am so behind half way into the semester. I know that the first semester is the hardest. I get that. But, I am not like this. This is not the type of student I was in high school, I am such a perfectionist, and I am under so much stress I can't just relax and deal with "C's get degrees". Eventually I am just going to break down completely and end up failing. I need serious help and I have tried to get it...but I am so behind and I have SO much going on...and the fact that I am a music major...with so many things to be practicing and studying all the time....does not help.
• Now...obviously there are positive things in my life...but right now...I am so swallowed up by all the negatives, I just don't know what to do with myself. I have never been this stuck in my life and I cannot take it any longer. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, I am tired of thinking about my last summer and how everything was perfect and in place, I am tired of regretting my decision to come to college right out of high school when I KNEW I wasn't ready. I am just tired. I'm done. 

2) My health is completely out of whack

• Many know of my diabetes. Well if you know about that, you probably know that it has not always been "In-line". Well, it is a little out of control right now and being away from home is not helping. I am trying really hard to get it straight but, problems keep arising and things just keep getting complicated and crap keeps happening and trying to balance it all is seeming almost close to impossible (I used to always quote Audrey Hepburn, "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says I'm possible!" Yeah...That positive person I was has died in the social expectation called college.)
• Recently, because of my insulin pump site, I got a staff infection right on my ass. Yup that is right the sweet ass cheek has been infected and is causing quite a large pain....the saying, "A pain in my ass" has never been so real. So that is great...and small town clinics and ERs....Yeah...No.
• A couple weeks ago I had an issue with my eye and who knows if that is related to my diabetes but, I had to go to the ER for that...and basically any other odd health issues you can think of...Yeah I have probably encountered it. 
• So....All of this collectively has effected my grades and makes everything twice as hard. Not too mention my eating habits....I stress eat for one thing...also when my blood sugars are higher I am more hungry and sleepy...so I eat a ton and then I sleep, instead of doing homework...and exercise.....I don't have time for that when I am trying to do everything else. I don't have time to do anything except homework, practicing, and studying (plus utilizing the tutoring center for theory...).

So....these are the two main issues going on right now...Pretty serious I think...and I understand that the first semester is the hardest. People go through this kind of thing all the time. But, I am not sure that in this point of my life, I can get through it. After thinking and thinking about what I should do...conversing with my parents..looking at my options, I have made a decision. 

At first I was really scared to accept my choice. I care so much about what people think and I just need to stop. I am who I am and I know what I want and what I am doing. I know what is best for me and I truly think that this decision is what is right for me. 

So...all judgements aside, this is the big decision I have made. I have chosen to withdrawal from school. I will be getting a medical withdrawal so that will help my situation. I am going to focus on my diabetes and get that in order first. I will most likely start working for my dad and continue playing music and studying theory so I can keep studying and learning, just on my own time with no stress or obligations. I think I will be a lot happier this way...

There is one thing I want people to know. 

I am NOT giving up on school. I am just getting my life in order before I get into the crazy mess of college again. I hope during my time off of school, I can work to build up my ability to play my fiddle and start looking at schools that actually offer what I am interested in. Who knows when that will be but, I can assure you that it won't be until I am good and ready. 

I do want to thank everyone that has supported my music and everything I do. It really means a lot to me how much everyone cares. That is why I am writing a blog post to fully explain everything. Thank you so much for having in faith in me and I hope you don't look down on my decision but, to be perfectly honest...If you do...I am not sure you truly care...but..that is okay. I have made my decision and I am OKAY with it. I have accepted myself and who I am..and I know that in the end...everything will work out...I will find my path clear of orange cones and I will travel it happily! 

This is me! The happy, positive, driven girl who loves playing her fiddle more than anything. Here is to my next adventure and getting back to being me! Thanks again for all your support and concern! 

A Girl & Her Fiddle Go To Tennessee Part 1: The Getting There

My trip to Tennessee was an experience of a life time. I went on plane, BY MYSELF, for the first time, (and I have only been on a plane once before in my life and I hardly remember that time...) It was the longest amount of time I had been away from my parents, it's the farthest east I have ever been in the US, and many other new experiences. I had such a great time, and I will never forget my first trip to Tennessee! I hope you enjoy detailed stories because I am going to start from beginning to end! Here is the first part of my great adventure! Here we go!

I woke up on June 26th, got dressed, ate breakfast, triple checked my suitcase, backpack, and fiddle case to make sure I had everything and that I didn't have any knives or bombs....because that would have been really bad. I was pretty nervous to go on the plane because I don't really like things that are unfamiliar to me but, I knew I had to do it sooner or later...So when a friend came to pick me up and take me to the airport, I picked up my stuff and headed out.

We got to the Airport, checked my suitcase, and got my boarding passes. Lucky for me, A family friend was able to go through security with me because she has the "hook ups" for a fake boarding pass. This was very helpful for me because she pretty much directed my every move. I had everything ready for security. I had taken tips from everybody and put all my liquids/toiletries in their own bag, my diabetes supplies in another, and my food and things to do on the plane free floating in my backpack. I wore my toms so I could just take my shoes off really fast. (because I didn't want to wear my foot flops) You could say I was totally prepared for security. When I got there I asked Brittany (The family friend) if I should take my stuff out and put in the tray. She just said, "nah...you can just leave it in your backpack and just throw it in the tray." So, that's what I did...Forget about all the work I did to make sure they didn't pull me aside and arrest me or something....I just threw it in there with my shoes and my wallet and that was that. I put my fiddle up there hesitantly and walked along and asked someone what I need to do because I have and insulin pump (due to my diabetes....just in case you didn't know...ha ha) She took me aside and I had to go through a different body scanner thing but, this was WAY easier then my first time flying...they didn't have to wand me or pat me down.....that was a relief. So, I made it through security, no problems what so ever! Britt and I walked to my gate and I got a soda from the vending machine and went to the bathroom. We sat down and waited for them to call zone two. "Now boarding zone two, now boarding zone two." I heard them call. I walked right up there while everyone stared at me with my fiddle on my shoulder and my music note backpack, gave the lady my boarding pass, and I boarded the plane.

I get on the plane and I'm looking for my seat, "Seat 9E....9E, 9E.....okay there is row 7....8....9! Okay..there is A, B, C...oh, okay 9E...there is my seat." I said in my head. I looked up at the overhead, then looked at the people behind me that were stopped because of me. I asked if they could help me get my fiddle up there because there was no way I was going to reach due to my shortness. A nice gentlemen helped me get it in the overhead across the aisle from my seat and I sat down. I wasn't quite sure what to do with my backpack so I set it on my lap and waited for someone else in my row to get there. Once I figured out where to put my backpack and the other two passengers came, I finally settled down a little and I waited for take off. I took a picture and documented on Instagram, then I turned off my phone and before I knew it, I arrived in Denver and Colorado!

As soon as I got off the plane I called my mom and told her I made it. I was looking for my next gate. Lucky for me again, my gate was basically right next to the gate I arrived at. It took me a minute to find it...but I was just oblivious I guess...(But in my defense...there were signs covering it...) I went to the bathroom again and went and waited at my next gate. As soon as I got there, the plane had just arrived so I had to wait for everyone to exit the plane, and they had to clean it and all that, then again I heard, "Now boarding zone two, now boarding zone two." This time there was a line, whereas before, I walked right on. As I was standing in line there were two ladies behind me and one asked me what I had in my case. I told her it was a fiddle and that I was going to a fiddle camp in Nashville and all that jazz. She told me good luck and as we were waiting in line, I could hear her recognizing some of the stickers on my case and talking to her friend about them. Obviously these ladies were familiar with Bluegrass and some of the festivals around. As I found my seat again (and this time I totally felt like a pro...."Yeah....No big deal...I fly all the time with my fiddle....it's pretty cool...." as I said to myself in me head.) So I get to my seat and there is no where to put my fiddle in any of the overheads near by....I am looking around hoping someone will help me. (didn't really feel like a pro anymore...) The flight attendant finally helped me out and said that it would have to come down a few rows. (By the way if you feel talking about where my fiddle went in the plane is unnecessary, may I remind you....My blog is called A girl & Her FIDDLE...just a friendly reminder :D)  I get back to my seat and put my backpack where it needs to go and I was off to Nashville. Now, just to share a little bit of my actual plane riding experience....the ride from Utah to Denver was short and sweet....sorta. There was a little bit of turbulence and it made me a little sick...but it wasn't too bad. The ride from Denver to Nashville was a little bit longer. They served the drinks, pretzels, peanuts, etc...but, I didn't take anything...I tried not to move at all....(Yeah...I guess you could say I was a little nervous...) I listened to my iPod and just thought about getting there.

 Coming into Nashville was kinda scary....there was thunder and lightning.....and LOTS of Turbulence....not very fun....(but it was kinda cool to see the storm from the sky....) We finally landed. I was getting so excited! "EEEEEEPPPP! I'M IN FREAKING NASHVILLE!" I said in my head. As people were standing up I was beginning to freak out because people were already in the aisle and I still had to go back and get my fiddle....and I wasn't exactly sure how far back it was...(plus I couldn't see it in the overhead from the ground.) The two ladies that stood behind me in line were also behind my row and they noticed I was getting a little antsy...so they told me they would help me out. The one lady shouted, "There is a violin case back there that this young lady needs!" Now everybody is staring at me and I'm just standing there...Someone found it and got it down...and then everyone passed it down the aisle over there heads to me.....no big deal....just everyone in "zone two" of the plane is staring at me....no big deal...I finally got off the plane and followed the sings that said, "To Baggage Claim" On the way there, I saw old signs that were advertising "Bill Monroe at the Opry", and "Flatt and Scruggs" How cool is that!!! They certainly don't have things like that in Salt Lake! When I got to the baggage claim there was a mural advertising Martin guitars!!! Again, you just don't see that at home! Nashville is so freaking cool! :D I called my mom, and waited for my bag and lucky for me, mine was the first one out! I grabbed it off the baggage claim and I headed out to the pick up area, found the "Frontier" section, held out my fiddle prominently like the email said to do, and a few minutes later, Megan Lynch (camp administrator/Fiddle extraordinaire) pulled up in her old, big, cream, Mercedes, (like the email said to look for)
 and the real adventure began.

Being Great

     They say if you want to be great, surround yourself with greatness. I can't help but wonder what tomorrow holds for me.  We live each day for the next but, what about today, what about now? What I do affects my entire life and everyone around me, so why wonder about what is next when my actions now, can change the world tomorrow. I want to know what makes a person different from a great person. What defines greatness? Do I have the qualities of being great? I sometimes feel like I am always going to be second place material, like all I ever do is set myself up for failure. I read two quotes that gave me a different view on what I do and how I feel about myself. Bill Cosby said, "In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater that your fear of failure." When I read this, I realized how terrified I am of falling flat on face. How threatened I am for the fear of being like everyone else and not following my dreams. After reading this quote I read another quote from Oprah Winfrey, she said, "Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness." These quotes are now staring me in the face everyday and it reminds me to live for today and that I should take risks and that if I fail it is okay. It is just the next step to success and being great.     

Don't Hate, Appreciate

Today I sit in class watching "Newsies". Such a classic movie. Great story, awesome music, and meaning. I listen to the kid next to me talk about the talent show at my school. At first I'm thinking, "Just watch the movie..." And then another kid asked why he was dressed the way he was and he said he was auditioning for the talent show. This took me by surprise. Nothing against him, I just didn't picture him as the "talent show" type. They asked what he was going to be doing and he said rapping. I kind of thought of "oh...." I don't have anything against rap, I just don't like it that much. Being the music person I am, I have always said, "I don't hate any music, I just don't like certain types, but I appreciate it all. It all takes talent." Rap has always been that type of music where I try not to hate and appreciate it, but if its on the radio, I can't help but turn it down or change the station. This kid started talking about rap and what he raps about. He started to talk about his dad and how he passed away and that before he died he promised him that he would succeed. He started talking about how no one in his family has graduated and how no one has gone to collage. He said he is going to try and succeed some how. If its school, a rapping star, whatever, I know this kid will succeed. He has something to keep him going. I know can look at rap music differently and truly appreciate it. I now know its not just words to a beat. It all means something. That's what music is, it's life. It's the perfect way to express how we feel. It doesn't matter if its some show tune from "Newsies" or Snoop Dog. They all have something in common. Hope. So don't hate, appreciate.

And Now I Vent To You

So, blogging. Its never really been my thing, and I beleive this is my third blog. It has been assigned in my social media class to create blog so, being the good student I am....here we are. Although at first I was not happy about this assignment, I have come to terms with it and have decided that maybe this will be a good thing for me. I recently have been going through a rough patch and I can't decide if it is just my 16 year old insticts finally kicking in or if I need some form of therapy that doens't cost money. I hope that this blog will provide an effective way to vent without complaining to just family and friends. So if there is anyone reading, I hope you enjoy reading the thoughts of a crazy musician who doesn't really know her place in life right now but, I guess that is okay because I have my whole life ahead of me and my whole life to discover myself. Unlike several people have said, I don't have to know exactly who It am the day I graduate high school. Who knows where this blog will go...but hopefully it brings me to a Happier and better place. If music really is what life sounds like...then it must be worth it.