A Big Decision

Where do I even begin?

I hardly ever use my blog...but, I figured..I have something to say so, why not just utilize this thing that no one reads and that way I can vent...plus I can avoid some big drama on Facebook or something...So here is my attempt to explain what is going on in my life right now because I know some people are going to want to know what's going on with me...

I have a big decision to make.

There are many reasons that have forced me to make the decision that I am about to make but, like I said, where do I begin?

First of all. What do you think makes an adult? At what point is that transition from a high school teenager or "young adult" to an adult made? Are they just forced to change? You graduate high school and you are just thrown out into the world?

"Here you are! It's the real world! Just jump through all their hoops and good luck! See ya!"

Well...This is how I felt....of course I know my parents are always there for me and I have other family and friends who support me but, you can't just rely on other people...you have to learn and experience things...I was ready to move out and be on my own. I was not that excited for school but, it has ALWAYS been in my line of thinking that you go to college after high school and study what you want to do in life, you get a degree, and then you get a job. The end, happily ever after, congratulations you've done it. This is not necessarily something my parents expected of me, it was just something I gathered from seeing people taking different paths that didn't really seem to work. This particular path just seemed like the one I was supposed to take to be successful and happy. Maybe it is....but, I think there is some awful roads on this path in my life right now. It is time to put out the orange cones and stick the detour sign out in the main route.

This is not something that people tell you. They say things get hard and that "The road gets a little bumpy" but, no one has ever told me that sometimes you need to take a different path to get what you want. Currently, I still want the same things in life in the end but, the way I thought I was going to get them is going to have to change.

Here is the thing...I have several issues right now.

1) I HATE my life. (In a dramatic sense)

• Why do I hate my life? Because I am miserable with my classes. They are extremely difficult for me. I was thrown into a schedule that I didn't have much say in. I could have changed it but, I didn't know...No one told me my options. My advisor just heard I was interested in the music program and all of a sudden I was on track for the four year degree to get my bachelors in violin performance. Looking back at that now....all I can think about is..."UHHHHH....Why on EARTH would I major in that?!" I love playing the violin more than anything but, that isn't practical..besides...here at Snow..that is classically based...ummm...hello! That is not me. Not really anyway...obviously I like classical music and still play it...but that isn't my main thing... It is like a pastry chef going to school to be a sous chef just because they like cooking..
• I am so behind half way into the semester. I know that the first semester is the hardest. I get that. But, I am not like this. This is not the type of student I was in high school, I am such a perfectionist, and I am under so much stress I can't just relax and deal with "C's get degrees". Eventually I am just going to break down completely and end up failing. I need serious help and I have tried to get it...but I am so behind and I have SO much going on...and the fact that I am a music major...with so many things to be practicing and studying all the time....does not help.
• Now...obviously there are positive things in my life...but right now...I am so swallowed up by all the negatives, I just don't know what to do with myself. I have never been this stuck in my life and I cannot take it any longer. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, I am tired of thinking about my last summer and how everything was perfect and in place, I am tired of regretting my decision to come to college right out of high school when I KNEW I wasn't ready. I am just tired. I'm done. 

2) My health is completely out of whack

• Many know of my diabetes. Well if you know about that, you probably know that it has not always been "In-line". Well, it is a little out of control right now and being away from home is not helping. I am trying really hard to get it straight but, problems keep arising and things just keep getting complicated and crap keeps happening and trying to balance it all is seeming almost close to impossible (I used to always quote Audrey Hepburn, "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says I'm possible!" Yeah...That positive person I was has died in the social expectation called college.)
• Recently, because of my insulin pump site, I got a staff infection right on my ass. Yup that is right the sweet ass cheek has been infected and is causing quite a large pain....the saying, "A pain in my ass" has never been so real. So that is great...and small town clinics and ERs....Yeah...No.
• A couple weeks ago I had an issue with my eye and who knows if that is related to my diabetes but, I had to go to the ER for that...and basically any other odd health issues you can think of...Yeah I have probably encountered it. 
• So....All of this collectively has effected my grades and makes everything twice as hard. Not too mention my eating habits....I stress eat for one thing...also when my blood sugars are higher I am more hungry and sleepy...so I eat a ton and then I sleep, instead of doing homework...and exercise.....I don't have time for that when I am trying to do everything else. I don't have time to do anything except homework, practicing, and studying (plus utilizing the tutoring center for theory...).

So....these are the two main issues going on right now...Pretty serious I think...and I understand that the first semester is the hardest. People go through this kind of thing all the time. But, I am not sure that in this point of my life, I can get through it. After thinking and thinking about what I should do...conversing with my parents..looking at my options, I have made a decision. 

At first I was really scared to accept my choice. I care so much about what people think and I just need to stop. I am who I am and I know what I want and what I am doing. I know what is best for me and I truly think that this decision is what is right for me. 

So...all judgements aside, this is the big decision I have made. I have chosen to withdrawal from school. I will be getting a medical withdrawal so that will help my situation. I am going to focus on my diabetes and get that in order first. I will most likely start working for my dad and continue playing music and studying theory so I can keep studying and learning, just on my own time with no stress or obligations. I think I will be a lot happier this way...

There is one thing I want people to know. 

I am NOT giving up on school. I am just getting my life in order before I get into the crazy mess of college again. I hope during my time off of school, I can work to build up my ability to play my fiddle and start looking at schools that actually offer what I am interested in. Who knows when that will be but, I can assure you that it won't be until I am good and ready. 

I do want to thank everyone that has supported my music and everything I do. It really means a lot to me how much everyone cares. That is why I am writing a blog post to fully explain everything. Thank you so much for having in faith in me and I hope you don't look down on my decision but, to be perfectly honest...If you do...I am not sure you truly care...but..that is okay. I have made my decision and I am OKAY with it. I have accepted myself and who I am..and I know that in the end...everything will work out...I will find my path clear of orange cones and I will travel it happily! 

This is me! The happy, positive, driven girl who loves playing her fiddle more than anything. Here is to my next adventure and getting back to being me! Thanks again for all your support and concern!